It wasn’t exactly a prefect start to the day. I woke up five minutes before I’d intended to leave my hotel and then had a mad panic trying to get everything done without missing my train. Fortunately I’m usually overcautious with these things and I’d given myself an extra fifteen minutes to get to the station, plus I’d done everything I could last night so I made my train with plenty of time. In fact the only problem in the end was that rather than lying in bed, waking up slowly to The Last Carnival, I was jerked into wakefulness listening to Evanescence. Which is all well and good, but I was never going to be in the best mood today and between the rude awakening, the panicked rush to the station and waking up to flipping Evanescence again… All I feel is this cruel wanting… Have I mentioned how much I frickin’ hate the last night of tour? [Edit: I have no idea why I didn’t switch my alarm to something else after the first Evanescence incident.]
Anyhoo, I was more awake than I usually am on a pre-work train, so thought I’d try and write up yesterday’s blog, only the Justin photo was haunting me (accompanied by my mental soundtrack of Lost In Paradise on a loop) to the point I was nearly in tears so I gave up. It does seem to be a pretty fitting representation of our relationship, but that does NOT make me feel better about it.
The day progressed in much the same vein. I nearly cried on several occasions (listening to There’s A Road & Beautiful, not to mention reexamining that photo with Justin last night (I keep thinking it can’t possibly be as bad as all that, then realising it’s worse) possibly didn’t help). Then I worked through lunch in order to catch an early train, rushed to the station only for my train to be delayed by 40 minutes, with no indication as to whether it was actually going to show up at all (the driver was seemingly stuck on another delayed train…) – and almost every other train to Brighton was cancelled. I was hot and bothered, stressed about getting there horribly late (not to mention worried about the faff of checking into my B&B while there was still someone on reception) when I actually wanted to see the support acts and on top of that was the almost crushing dread of imminent goodbyes and the expectation of increasingly d*ckish behavior. In a way I’m almost glad it’s over and I can have my life back, but at the same time, it’s not like I’ve ever been able to just put them away in a box until I want to take them out and play with them again. In one way or another, they’re always in my thoughts and I’m going to miss them all horribly. It’s probably not a surprise that I finally cracked under the pressure on the train down, sniffling into my M&S pasta salad and smoothie (I don’t know what I’d have done without smoothies this tour – I’ve practically lived on them) whilst wishing I’d never tried to get a photo with him in the first place. So apparently the not putting on my makeup before I left work thing was an unexpectedly good idea. The later addition of mascara was a risky (and relatively successful) attempt at forcing myself to hold it together for the rest of the evening.
So, despite the nightmare journey, I managed to get checked into my B&B before rushing back to the venue. I had a vague idea of where it was since I’d spotted the sign for it on the way to my hotel, but I still nearly walked straight past the door. Fortunately it was wide open and I caught sight of a couple of familiar faces as I passed so after a quick backtrack, I was in. Benji was on the door so I said hi to him, but Adam was hovering too, so I got a much needed hug. He told me Woodward were already on, so I didn’t stay to chat and rushed downstairs. Mike & Tony were just inside the door, so both got hugs as I passed them (well Mike got half a hug, but I was flustered!). I also said hi to both Matts and Nic from The Afterparty and gave Tia a hug all of which helped me start to calm down a bit.
Of course, with all my rushing about, the fact that I’d insisted on wearing boots (which, together, resulted in rather uncomfortable blisters), the location of the venue in a stuffy basement and the July heat, I was absolutely sweltering and what with everything else on top (the stress, the crying, the lack of sleep etc. etc.), I’d also developed a thumping headache. Fortunately, a nice cool glass of water and a couple of painkillers between Woodward & The Afterparty seemed to do the trick and I felt a lot better just for being there and settled and drugged up.
Support:
So obviously I missed Sally Pepper and half of the Woodward set as well, which sucked, but I did at least manage to catch Nothing Less Than Yes & Drunk Text (with random references about being sent on the last train home, which appeared to be aimed at Tony, but I presume it was some sort of in joke I had no hope of comprehending out of context), which are probably my favourites, so that cheered me up a little. It was really good to see them on stage again anyway, even if I couldn’t quite appreciate their set as much as I might have hoped (I didn’t really settle completely until after they’d finished playing).
The Afterparty’s final intro was Genie In A Bottle, which still doesn’t quite beat a couple of the others, but it was a good effort. Although Tia and I both thought they should have used Let It Go at some point – but apparently they don’t like Frozen… I mean, really! How can you not like Frozen?! Anyhoo, I really loved their set (it helped that my headache had pretty much gone by that point), but I actually ended up feeling rather sad :(. I suspect I’ll be seeing them on their next tour, but in the meantime I’m really going to miss them. I’ve grown very fond of them over the past week. It’s a shame they didn’t bother with setlists actually, I’d have quite liked one.
The Final Show: 😦
So after six shows preceded by VIP sessions, it felt odd not seeing them beforehand. Not bad, just different, I guess… seeing them on stage without having spoken to them (and yes, I know I bumped into two of them on the way in, but it’s not like I stopped to chat and I was in quite the tizzy at the time). Anyhoo, I genuinely planned to not stand directly in front of Justin this time, but it was nowhere near as busy as I’d expected it to be when I arrived and then somehow or other a gap opened up in the front row, just before their set, directly in front of him and big enough for both me and a friend that I bumped into on arrival. I was never going to be able to turn that down in favour of third-ish row on the other side of the stage, so he got stuck looking at me again. Poor man. Still, after they took to the stage I got smiles off of everyone I hadn’t already said hi to, even Justin, so that was nice :).
The gig itself was brilliant as always and I really enjoyed it. In fact, if it hadn’t been the last night with all it’s associated emotional upheaval, it might well have been one of my favourites. It was certainly a great atmosphere, if not quite as vibe-y as Manchester. Also, I don’t know if it’s because it was simply the fact it was their hometown show & the last night of the tour or a licensing/timing thing or what, but they threw in a few extra songs too, which was rather fab. The one track I particularly noticed was Runaway – mostly because of the lyrics, I think… ‘Then you run away screaming, with my heart in your hands. Then you run away screaming, and I don’t understand’… I mean f*** me… *sigh*. It’s an amazing track though and I’m rather sad they only played it twice (tonight and in Sheffield). Heartstrings aside, I really hope it makes it onto the album.
It was an interesting show though. Something happened to Russ’s guitar (I’m not sure what, as anything more complicated than a broken string is beyond me) and he had to swap it for the spare one. It would have looked odd to me anyway since I’m so used to seeing him with the Les Paul, but the strap was too short for him as well so it was an even more unusual sight. On the plus, however, it was an absolutely massive stage, especially for such a tiny venue (it must’ve filled a third or so of the room), so he had loads of space to move for once and he certainly took advantage of it. He really is something special, that man!
Justin & Russ – look at all that space! (And look at that smile…!)
Of course, Justin had oodles of space to manoeuvre in as well, so his choreography was especially exuberant this evening. I did, however, suffer from the sunshine effect again. I’ve realised that it tends to be particularly strong when I have to physically turn to watch him vs Russ and between my positioning and the size of the stage, that was very much the case tonight. I think I just feel more confident when my gaze can easily flit from him to Russ (who I tend to watch a lot too) and back again without anyone (read: him) necessarily noticing unless I catch their eye and Justin doesn’t often look directly at me. Of course, Kieran was behind Jus, so that did spread my attention a little, but still…
Let the sun shine
So, aside from the occasionally blinding lights behind them, the rest of the lighting was pretty dim. Still, I gave it a go with the filming anyway, despite the fact my camera tends to throw a hissy fit in anything other than bright sunlight. I wasn’t going to skip a Crazy solo after a whole tour of recording it and I impulsively filmed Justin’s Beautiful solo (and the preceding rendition of the chorus) too. I may or may not have zoomed in on his hands in the latter video… I also captured Ain’t No Lovin’ You, with absolutely no attempt at even pretending I wasn’t just filming Justin (aside from a few brief pans across the stage). [Edit: Sadly, my camera was so upset about the lighting, all the footage turned out rather horrendously. In the Crazy solo, their faces sort of loom out of the shadows with an almost eerie blueish glow & their hands are pretty much invisible – which does rather defeat the purpose. There are a few clearer moments thanks to other peoples’ camera flashes, but to be honest the video is relatively unwatchable. Although Justin sucking on his finger did come out surprisingly well… (please excuse me while I combust). Beautiful came out a tiny bit better, since I was zoomed in more (although I did zoom out to include his face for his solo), but it’s far too fuzzy to be of any real use/enjoyment. As for Ain’t No Lovin’ You, it’s much the same as Crazy, only the light on Justin is such a strong red that you’d be forgive for mistaking him for some sort of demon… Insert stupid comment about selling my soul to the devil here…]
Post-show:
After the show I saw the Woodward boys and got a whole bunch of hugs, chats and selfies. It was really good to see them and I don’t think I’d even realised that I missed them until we were reunited. I also bought one of Sally’s CDs (even though I didn’t catch her set) and got a selfie with her too. I spoke to Tony briefly and we chatted about my journey down, since he’d noticed I was flustered on the way in. Apparently Tom (Woodward) got caught out too. As for my boys, I did the rounds with them too, saying proper hellos and collecting yet more hugs and selfies. I took Russ’s setlist at the end as it was the most accessible and so I got him to sign it too. He apologised for his handwriting (I can’t think why – it’s completely legible…!) and I joked that he should have been a doctor. He went on to say that his own writing is so bad that Justin has to write out the setlists (which I already knew, I just didn’t know why. Now I do).
The Last Carnival – Brighton Setlist
As for Mr. Morris, I had to chase him on to the stage in order to talk to him and then ended up hovering awkwardly while he discussed straps for the spare guitar with Russ (who was complaining that the current one was too short and was making suggestions for an alternative solution that would suit them both, given they’re completely different builds). I got my hug & selfie, though, and also got last night’s setlist signed since I had it with me. He still seemed a bit off, although he did talk for a minute. He complained that he didnt have a fan tonight, so I responded with something to the effect of ‘at least it didn’t mess up his hair’. He obviously didn’t quite get what I was saying so I clarified that it was a silver lining and told him what Kieran had said at the start of tour about the fans making Justin’s hair flap, which made him smile :).
Still, post-gig did seem particularly rubbish this evening. It felt like I barely spoke to anyone, which sucked and even when I hung around at the end, I was mostly on my own. I spent even more time helping to pack up merch than normal, then loitered around the van for ages by myself, feeling like an idiot and trying not to cry. I kept going to talk to someone (anyone), then feeling so out of place and out of sorts that I’d give up before I got anywhere. At one point it felt rather like I was chasing Justin around the van, without actually getting as far as speaking to him. In fact, I nearly let him leave with little more than a hug goodbye, but I didn’t quite manage it. (And yes, I do mean leave. Justin, Russ & Mike (with Benji) decided not to go to the after party at all and just went home with Tony for a quiet drink). I won’t go into detail because I felt thoroughly mortified by the whole thing, but I essentially begged him to be less rubbish online (I didn’t use those exact words). He contradicted my accusations and argued about what I asked for (which seemed to entertain the other occupants of the van…), so whether it will make a blind bit of difference to anything, I don’t know (I doubt it), but at least I know I tried, right? [Edit: And perhaps one day I might be able to look back on that conversation and laugh (although I doubt that too) rather than merely cringing with embarrassment. Admittedly, I didn’t technically regret it, as it did make a faint difference for a week or so, but to be honest, I mostly just wish that I’d never thought it necessary in the first place – or at least that I didn’t care enough for it to have been necessary. It probably wasn’t worth feeling so monumentally pathetic over.]
When the boys in the van left, I went to say goodbye to The Afterparty, who were still hanging around on the other side of the street, before they headed off too (they weren’t going to the club either as they were driving back). I got lots of lovely hugs from them and promised I’d go and see them on their next tour. They did make me feel a little better, at least temporarily, and they were joking that I only really did the tour for them :P.
So Adam & Kieran actually headed off to Digital without a word while I was still hanging around the van (in fact I was actually chatting to Tony and a couple of others at that point so wasn’t inclined to just run off) and as a result I very nearly didn’t go to the after party at all, since all I really wanted to do was cry. Only I didn’t really want to be alone either and I guess going back to my hotel was too final. The end of tour. I also couldn’t quite bear the thought of not even saying goodbye to Adam & Kieran and Tia was messaging me to come along, so I gave in and went. I didn’t stay long as I really wasn’t in the mood and I knew drinking would just make it worse, but I was glad to at least see the boys and get the chance to say goodbye (Woodward’s Tom & Mike were there too). I did end up chatting to Kieran a fair bit and hung out with him and his friends a little too, which was nice, but still. It was a typical TLC after party for me and next tour I genuinely think I might skip it. Actually the way I felt by the end of the night, next tour I might skip talking to the band at all.
By the time I got back to my poky little single room in the cramped attic of my B&B I felt utterly broken. It didn’t much help that having decided to catch up with what I’d missed online during the evening, I found that TLC had published a photo of Justin to accompany their ‘final night in Brighton’ post – only I’m in the bottom corner of it and ugh. I’m in profile which is never a good look for me anyway, but it’s also not like Benji’s caught the whole crowd, so it’s pretty much just my stupid face and noone else. It was almost like a photographic illustration of how pathetic I felt tonight; the sad loner, gazing moon-eyed up at Justin like a teenager… I really wish they’d cropped me out of it. And whilst I’m certain nothing was meant by it, in the mood I was in, it almost felt like a dig. My (new) phone refusing to charge almost seemed like the final straw, only then something miraculous happened… I tweeted something along the lines that surely giving up would be easier than this and accompanied it with ‘if I lose the highs, at least I’m spared the lows, right?’ (which is probably a well known phrase, but as far as I’m concerned it’s a Will Young lyric) and got a couple of DMs from someone I consider rather special in response. Essentially he just told me to hold on, but it was well phrased and perfectly timed and just because it was him, it made everything just that bit better. [Edit: I really wish I could have told him in person how much those messages truly meant to me, but he deleted them the following day and it was suggested that he was probably drunk, so I decided it might be best not to say anything beyond the reply I made at the time. Still, I needed someone so badly that night and if this is the only way I can ever really thank him, so be it. I appreciated it more than I could ever put into words (even if he did initially make me cry harder…).
So, that is that. The end. Until the next time. If there is one… Because right now I really don’t know if I can go through all this again…
[Edit: I was adding photos to this post and decided that despite the way I felt at the time, it was just wrong to finish on such a low note. I really did feel like giving it all up at the end of tour and the last couple of nights were harder than I ever thought they could be, but of course I’ll be back next tour and I’ll be at as many shows as I can, no matter how hard it will doubtlessly be when it’s all over. The end sucked, but the rest of it was wonderful and so, there was only one way I could truly end this… *wiggles fingers*]
HANDS! (From Nottingham)
Peace, loVe loVe and rock ‘n’ roll,
K xx
[Actual publish date: 22/9/14 – two months after it began, it seems I might finally be able to put this tour to bed…
A final note: Writing these up has been harder than I expected and I wish I’d been able to do it at the time, rather than revisiting my wayward emotions now that they’ve finally stabilised. Only I do recall an abortive attempt at blogging immediately after the tour, which failed miserably thanks to my post-tour bitterness leaking into everything I wrote and tainting my retelling of even the best of memories. Fortunately, time heals and after a month or so of moping, I was able to return to these and finish them off. It certainly threw up a few painful memories, especially whilst writing up these last couple of posts, but the good far outweighs the bad and besides… as a wise man once told me; “You must hold fast to what makes you feel alive – happy or sad“]
So Currently Captivated 